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Playtimes
I
’ve always told my children that they can
turn traffic lights green using only their
minds. My wife scolds me, but it
totally works. You just have to choose
the moment you start thinking really carefully.
“Ready? Concentrate. Three… two…
one… GREEN!”
The look of astonishment on their faces
has always been priceless.
But eventually they started to get old and
jaded and cynical and unmagical, which
happens around the age of THREE these
days. Thanks for nothing, Richard Dawkins.
But one thing we all get from our tweens and
teens is a love of animals. The difference between human
abilities and those of lesser creatures has always fascinated
me. Which is why I was delighted when a reader forwarded
me an Indian government minister’s statement that
dolphins’ high intelligence indicates they “should be seen as
non-human persons”.
But then I thought about it. If the definition of being
a person is linked to intelligence, THREE QUARTERS
of the people on my morning commuter bus would rate
a classification roughly level with chickens (no offence
intended to chickens).
These commuters carry electronic devices which can
instantly access humanity’s greatest works, but use them
solely for screen-pecking games so repetitive they would
bore a moderately bright patch of toe fungus to tears.
As I type this, I can hear my own toe fungus weeping
with sorrow and shame for the human race.
But as I say, children are all animal-lovers these
days, and young people have started campaigns calling
for humans and animals to be treated equally in North
America, Europe and Australia. But Asia may be ahead
of the game. In India, a dog was hit with criminal charges
for biting a retired police officer in Lucknow in February,
and last year, three goats were detained for damaging a
Chennai police car.
In Nigeria, police famously detained a goat on
suspicion of attempting to steal a Mazda 323. That didn’t
ring true with me: goats are canny outdoor types and
Animal nature
Teens and tweens are pro-nature, which is good
for all of us, says father-of-three
Nury Vittachi
.
would surely opt for the open-top Mazda MX-5.
Human-animal equality makes sense to
me, as humans also come in a wide range
of intelligence levels, as was made clear by a
story sent in by reader Wendy Tong.
A motorist named Carmen, 34, was
arrested for being drunk in charge of a
vehicle, it said. Police in the US state of New
Jersey told her to call a friend to drive her home.
She phoned her buddy Nina, 23, who arrived
in a similar state and was also arrested. So
they both called a third friend, Ryan, 33,
who drove up looking extremely wobbly and was
also detained. The news report doesn’t say what
happened next, but one hopes officers kept the system
going until they arrested everyone in the city.
Wendy said drunkenness was not normally funny,
but this report made her laugh. Agreed. Wendy, your tale
reminded me of the first time I heard the song about the
old woman who swallowed a fly and then swallowed a
spider to catch the fly and ultimately a bird, cat, dog and
cow.
I was only six but already had a sceptic’s need for
proof. “You got photos?” I asked the kindie teacher. She
shifted nervously in her seat, and I’ve distrusted teachers
ever since.
Outside Asia and Africa, animal arrests are rare. For
example, several “stoner” dogs were recently found to
have become addicted to the highs you get by licking cane
toads in Queensland, Australia, but not one was charged
with substance abuse. (The permissiveness of Westernised
societies horrifies me.)
There are, of course, differences between people and
animals. I struggled for a long time to teach my dog to
change the colour of traffic lights using mind control. In
the end, I just let her bark at the lights until they turned
green.
Not sure of the science behind it, but that totally works
too.
Nury Vittachi writes a regular column at
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