I can’t avoid it any longer.
It’s time to have the talk, writes
Orla Breeze
.
No sex, please,
we’re parents
advice
(rated PG)
I
have to give my kids the Sex Talk. Yup,
the Sex Talk. Turns out that the time
between being a baby and having
the ability to make one is
really
short.
And if I don’t speak to them while they’re
in their tweens, I apparently stand a fairly
good chance of becoming a granny
when they hit their teens.
That, my friends, is
not
happening. Not
on my watch.
But here’s the thing: Not only am
I obliged to introduce them to the
wonders of human reproduction, I also
need to ensure they have enough
know-how to never ever
ever
take part
in a rainbow party. You know, a
rainbow
party
? You don’t? Google it. Despite
being a so-called urban myth, I have
reliable information of their existence.
And no, not even I can bring myself to
explain the details of what happens at
these colourful gatherings. Except to say,
“Eeewww!!”
So why is it that in spite of knowing all
the ins and outs of baby-making, and
being very aware that it’s my parental
duty to pass on said knowledge, the
problem remains that I simply don’t want
to do it? No, not
it
. I’m very happy to do
that
. I mean It – the whole talk thing.
Have all those formative years in Catholic
school finally taken their toll? Has my vow
to be the most modern and coolest of
parents, who freely discusses all things
sexual as if she was simply discussing the
weather, come to nothing?
Or, is it just a fear of change?
Because the Sex Talk changes
everything, and I’m not sure I’m
ready. Having just spent most of their
childhood years ensuring they didn’t
grow up too quickly – protecting their
innocence, safeguarding their beliefs in
all things supernatural, like chocolate-
delivering rabbits and that jolly old man
in the red suit – I’m not sure I want to be
the one to shatter all their illusions. Call
me old-fashioned, but I want them to
carry on looking on me and their dad
as a sweet princess and her handsome
knight in shining armour. Instead of
looking at us and thinking, well…
Eeewww!
However, what needs to be
said needs to be said, regardless
of my excuses and objections and
unwillingness. I am the adult in this
relationship and I guess I’m just going to
have to suck it up and spit it out. So to
speak. No matter the inevitable slightly
extremely awkward follow-up questions.
Or the lecture I will no doubt receive as
the realisation dawns on them that I may
have told them a few porky pies about
some of their other beliefs. I will put on
my parental sex education hat and
deliver the information in a mature and
definitely non-giggling manner. I may
even use diagrams and possibly a chart
or two. This talk will happen whether I like
it or not!
And just so you know, when the
question arises as to whether or not
we, their parents, still engage in such
behaviour now that we are no longer
making new children, I will answer
loudly, clearly and very definitely with a
resounding, "EEEWWW!"
24
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