I
remember when a spring fashion collection from a top
designer was stolen on the way to a show in Paris. What
were police looking for, I wondered? Thieves wearing
giant rainbow hoop dresses with live peacocks on their
heads? Paris catwalk fashion is not exactly inconspicuous.
Then there was the newspaper report that a New York
fashion house has created drone-proof clothes. The garment
hides the “heat signature” that drones (remote-controlled
bombers) use to locate targets. I can’t see a big market for this.
Are fugitive Taliban terrorists from the mountains north of
Pakistan really going to trek to New York fashion houses to
buy these?
And the fashionistas in New York who normally buy
designer clothes – who’s going to send heat-seeking missiles after
them? Unless they book a table at some ridiculously expensive
restaurant and fail to show, in which case the maître d’ might.
Many office workers prefer suits to casual dress, these
days, I am told. I believe it. Even during the “casual Friday”
madness of recent years, office workers of both sexes kept
formal clothes secreted nearby. When a client hove into view,
men would slip on jackets, while panicked women would
roll around on the floor trying to pull up Hanes Extra Sheer
Tights, garments which were even less cooperative than Justin
Bieber on a Friday night.
This cycle reminded me of the “Dress Down Day” memos
that were issued by human resources departments in the 1990s.
Where I worked, the policy lasted exactly two days.
Email 1: 5pm, Monday. Dress Policy: From tomorrow, a
casual dress policy will be implemented company-wide. Enjoy
leaving your dark suits and white shirts at home!
Email 2: 9.30am, Tuesday. Dress Policy Amendment 1:
Thanks for supporting the new policy. But please note: jeans
and t-shirts should NOT be worn.
How to dress
for success
Deciphering work dress codes can be a complex
business, says father-of-three
Nury Vittachi
.
Email 3: 9.50am, Tuesday: Dress Policy Amendment 2:
When we said jeans and t-shirts should not be worn, we did not
mean that we wished you to remove those garments. Would the
humorous gentlemen in the junior division please note: the rest
of us definitely do not wish to see your baggy underpants and
saggy singlets!
Email 4: 9.59am, Tuesday: Dress Policy Amendment 3.
Urgent. We were all very amused when the junior division took
the previous email as an instruction to remove their underpants
and singlets. However, may we remind them that indecent
exposure is a criminal offence.
Email 5: 10.19am, Tuesday. Dress Policy Amendment 4:
Our in-house legal counsel informs us that indecent exposure is
NOT a criminal offence on private property. However, in the
interests of decorum, all staff MUST wear smart-casual clothes,
such as sports jackets or mid-length dresses, from tomorrow.
Email 6: 9.00am, Wednesday: Dress Policy Amendment 5:
We are all highly amused that the gentlemen of the junior
division have come to work in mid-length dresses today. From
tomorrow, only women are allowed to come to work in dresses.
Email 7: 9.25am, Wednesday: Dress Policy Amendment 6:
Thank you for referring us to the Equal Opportunities
Commission. No sexual discrimination was intended by the
previous email. Senior Partners are meeting this morning to
review the policy. Men from the junior division may retain their
dresses until then.
Email 8: 11am, Wednesday: Dress Policy Amendment 7:
The casual dress policy is cancelled. All staff are required to
wear dark suits and white shirts from now on.
It’s the circle of life.
Nury welcomes your comments and ideas at his Facebook
page:
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