W
hen two people fall
in love and commit
to spending the
rest of their lives
together, they’re inevitably joining
two previously separate lives. In any
marriage, deciding whose family to
visit for the holidays or where you’ll
raise your children can be sources
of angst. But how do couples make
it work when one family doesn’t
celebrate holidays at all, or when
the places you each call home are at
opposite ends of the Earth?
The notion of unexpected
and exotic love blossoming may
seem romantic, but for the couples
themselves it can also mean a lot of
hard work and compromise.
Language barriers
While most couples disagree at times
and have differences of opinion on all
sorts of issues, intercultural couples
may have the added difficulty of
trying to resolve their issues in another
language. Australian Siobhan Thomas
has been married to Piseth, from
Cambodia, for seven years. While
she was growing up in Canberra,
he was training as a Buddhist monk
to avoid fighting for the Khmer
Rouge. They have two children and
now live in Hong Kong. Siobhan
studied the Khmer language, but
says, “Communication is sometimes
challenging. Occasionally we have
written emails to one another to give
each of us time to think about the
words we are using.”
Canadian Amelia Weston met her
Hong Kong-born and raised husband
when he was working in Canada.
They have been married for five
years and have a two-year-old son.
Amelia also struggles with language,
not only in communicating with her
husband, but with the rest of his family
as well: “For me, the most difficult
part is the language barrier. Although
he can speak English, his first and
preferred language to communicate
in is Cantonese. When we gather
with his family or his friends, they all
speak Cantonese. I can’t help but feel
like an outsider. And with that comes
other issues, such as not being able
to communicate properly, be it on a
serious topic or just a joke.”
Culture clashes
The role of parents-in-law and
extended family can also create
disharmony, especially in cultures
where family are heavily involved in
each other’s lives. Amelia explains the
impact this has on her relationship:
“
With the Chinese culture comes a ton
of rituals – his family are Buddhists
–
that I’m not familiar with. There is
also the feeling of judgment when I
do something that is against what ‘a
Chinese girl would do’. My husband
was the first-born male in a combined
family of 14 brothers and sisters. He
was the golden child. So I can’t help
but feel that it was a disappointment
for him to marry a Westerner.”
American Charlotte Davis is
married to a businessman from
mainland China. They met in the
US, but now live in Hong Kong,
and she adds, “Often, being married
to someone from another culture
involves being married to someone
who has different values than you
do. And, you may notice (like me)
that your partner’s values change
when they’re in their home country
to be more closely aligned with their
home country’s values, which can be
challenging.”
From time to time we all have
those debates about whose turn it is to
do the dishes. But, in some cultures,
there is no room for debate: the
February 2013
53