say about the divorce and meeting
with their children together. If, as
is more common, parents choose to
have separate conversations with
their children, then their messages
should remain consistent. Lora
advises couples to consider a child’s
temperament, age, developmental
stage, and understanding of family
dilemma when preparing to talk
about divorce.
She suggests the following words
for younger children: “Mummy and
Daddy have tried, but we don’t want
to argue all the time. We’ve decided to
live in different houses so we can stop
arguing about things and look after
you separately.”
Children may feel better equipped
to cope with the enormity of their
parents’ decision if they know what
it means for them. Using age-
appropriate language, parents can
share the consequences of the divorce
with their children, including where
they will be staying, visitation plans
and school arrangements. Children
also need to know what aspects of
their lives will remain the same. Lora
explains, “Children need certainty
in the midst of divorce; the more that
remains the same, the less traumatic it
will be for them.”
Not to blame
By far the most important message
that children need to hear is that they
are not to blame for the divorce and
that both parents love them.
Glynis Ferguson, life coach
and founder of Freedom Coaching,
advises, “Many children tend to blame
themselves for the problem, asking:
what did I do wrong? We need to
listen to our children, allow them to
express their feelings and reassure
them time and again that they are not
responsible for the divorce. And we
need to reassure them that, whilst life
is going to change, Mum and Dad will
always be there as parents.”
Parents also need to adhere to
the “no blame” policy when it comes
to each other. “Children should not
be exposed to negative thoughts
regarding either parent. They
have the right to love both parents,
regardless of what happened in the
marriage, or why the divorce is
occurring,” Lora advises.
We need to listen to
our children, allow
them to express
their feelings and
reassure them time
and again that they
are not responsible
for the divorce.
According to Jill, the terrible
remarks that each of her divorcing
parents made about the other to her
exacerbated her pain and confusion.
February 2013
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