“
I quickly realised that I needed to
refrain from talking about one parent
to the other if I wanted to have any
peace with the one I was with. I
also learned at an early age how to
diplomatically change the subject if
one of them started asking about the
other,” she says.
Support yourself
Unable to cope with the intensity of
their emotions, parents sometimes
lean on their children for support. In
this way, children become counsellors
to their parents and lose their right to
grieve the loss of their family.
“
It is expected that children will
see their parents express sadness,
disappointment, and a variety of
other feelings. However, children
should not witness uncontrolled
expressions of feelings and rage,” says
Lora, who has first-hand experience
of a difficult divorce. She advises
parents to join a divorce support
group or talk to a trained divorce
or marriage counsellor for unbiased
guidance.
Glynis also understands the
pain and sense of loss that comes
with divorce, having survived her
own marital breakdown in 2006. In
addition to counselling, coaching
and the support of friends and family,
she encourages divorcing parents to
seek appropriate legal, financial and
psychological support.
She says, “It is important to
support yourself first; otherwise, you
may find yourself unable to support
your children.”
Support your children
According to Lora, children will
typically cry if they are not too
shocked or in denial about the news of
the divorce. This is a normal response
and parents need to remain calm and
supportive at this time.
Whilst it is natural that children
will feel sad, confused, angry and
fearful, there are signs that parents
should look out for that might warrant
professional intervention, particularly
if a child talks about suicidal thoughts.
For example, a child who
blames himself for the divorce may
suddenly be on his best behaviour
in the hope that this will bring his
parents back together. Or, he might
become aggressive and defiant
because he is unable to express
himself or feels that he is not being
listened to. He may become socially
withdrawn and experience a loss
of appetite, which may be a sign of
depression. Younger children may
also experience regressive behaviour,
such as bed-wetting, a decline in
Whilst it is natural
that children will
feel sad, confused,
angry and fearful,
there are signs that
parents should
look out for that
might warrant
professional
intervention,
particularly if a
child talks about
suicidal thoughts.
February 2013
63