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hat’s that flying through the air? A bird?
A plane? Superman? No, it’s a vindaloo
grenade. Indian scientists told the BBC they
were putting
bhut jolokia
(
ghost chilli) into
weapons. This stuff is much spicier than most restaurant
curries, but not as hot as my Uncle Ernie’s chicken madras,
the creation of which requires nuclear fission.
But the concept of curry grenades is definitely
appealing. At least it’s a natural death. “Gravely wounded
by a flying chicken tikka masala grenade, he limped to the
front line, where he was finished off by a pork vindaloo.”
Indeed, why not replace all nuclear weapons with
food-based weapons? Asians and Mexicans would win all
the wars, although the British wouldn’t do badly. Their
Colman’s Mustard could bring tears to the eyes of a statue.
In comparison, French mustard is mild and fussy and
American mustard is as spicy as a glass of water.
Eco-warriors
Don’t worry, my bomb is organic,
writes father-of-three
Nury Vittachi
.
we create similar feelings of pain and horror by eating
chilli, trying extreme sports, riding roller coasters, getting
married, etc.
Talking of nature, animals hit the headlines when
5,000
baby goats were sacrificed in a single ritual in
India. It was a bit gory, but at least this sort of thing is
disappearing fast. Less than ten years ago, airline officials
in Nepal sacrificed two goats on the Kathmandu airport
runway to the Sky God, to solve recurring technical
problems that had grounded one of its Boeing 757s. I
remember it well. Interviewed before the event, the goats
said, “Baaaaaa”, which means, “We are delighted to have
this chance to contribute to the all-important issues of
airline safety for Nepal Airlines. Fly the friendly Nepali
skies.” As a frequent traveller, I suppose I should be
grateful. Western airlines employ mere engineers to fix
problems, but Asian ones employ the Sky God himself.
Beeeeep
.
Oops, sorry, that was my irony alarm slipping into
the red zone.
There was a similar case in Turkey about nine years
ago where a camel was sacrificed at Istanbul’s airport.
In that instance, more than 700 kilos of camel meat was
distributed to airport staff to take home to eat as a reward.
Or punishment, perhaps.
But to go back to where we started, a knowledgeable
reader from the law enforcement sector told me that chilli-
based weapons are already available on the international
market, but laws on using them differ from place to
place. They can be used in India and South Korea. “But
in Hong Kong, a chilli-based spray would be classified
as armaments under chapter 238 of the Firearms and
Ammunition Ordinance. Possession is punishable by 14
years in prison,” he said.
If the United Nations weapons inspectors ever tasted
my Uncle Ernie’s curry, they would lock him up for life.
This would be a good thing for all concerned.
Nury Vittachi writes a regular humour column at
www.mrjam.org
.
But to go back to where we
started, a knowledgeable
reader from the law
enforcement sector told me
that chilli-based weapons
are already available on the
international market …
When I was young and stupid (as opposed to old and
stupid), I sat down with some like-minded friends at Club
Sri Lanka, a restaurant that used to stand in Wyndham
Street, and we brewed up the hottest chilli sauce we could
think of. South Asian chilli burns your mouth, English
mustard brings agony to your nose and eyes, and wasabi
blows the back of your head off. So we mixed all three and
put it in our mouths. It nearly killed us. We were SO happy.
Why do men like pain? Psychologist Paul Rozin
says guys evolved to fight sabre-toothed tigers. So today
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