F
ellow parents: put down your
parenting books and cease
all Googling, for I have just
discovered a fast-track way
–
no, wait, what am I saying? –
the
fast-
track way to a more peaceful kind of
parenting. And even though you’ve not
even asked, I have decided to share it
with you all. It’s just the kind of gal I am.
You see, I spent a lot of the
early parenting years trying to fight
the nature of my kids. Instead of
accepting that they could only
ever behave as kids do, my method
involved applying techniques to try
to get them to behave more like ...
well, me. There were two different
teams at play: Team Parents, with the
goal of getting the kids to behave in
a coherent, ordered, logical manner;
and Team Kids, who had the goal of
pushing as many of our buttons as
possible. It was an ongoing battle.
At the time, I thought it was just a
behavioural problem. Surely, if I carried on
with my methods, they would eventually
get it? And, yes, there were times when
–
by Jove! – they got it. But the effort and
stress involved was something else. Was
I really doomed to a life of saying the
same thing over and over again? “Are
you listening to me? I don't think you’re
listening. Look at me when I’m talking to
you. Do you hear me? Do you? DO YOU?”
I wanted someone to invent a baby
iPod so I could record my most frequent
phrases and play them on repeat.
But the thing is, it’s far more to do
with nature than nurture. Children have
an innate need to know that they’re safe.
And the only way they can know this for
sure is by checking that their boundaries
are right where we said they were. As
long as they get a strong, clear answer
that, yes, the boundaries haven’t moved,
then they’re happy. It really is that simple
for them. Unfortunately, the side effects of
this constant checking are what we, the
grown-ups, have to deal with.
So, when all of this dawned on me
and I finally realised that this was my kids’
unchanging nature, the only option left
was to change myself. I needed to get
a grip on my own emotional triggers to
reduce their ability to set them off. If I
couldn’t join them at their game, then
I was going to beat them with my own.
Oh yes, the battle lines had been drawn.
But this time I had that extra piece of
intelligence that was crucial for victory!
So I set to work watching my own
behaviour, keeping an eye out for those
times when I could feel a volcano of
irritation bubbling up inside me. Instead
of erupting at them, I began doing all
the shouting inside my head until I had
time to dig a little deeper. It’s really quite
satisfying. Simply smile at your child whilst
silently screaming, “What, in the name of
(
insert name of deity here), do you (insert
expletive here) think you’re (double
expletive) doing?!! Are you (expletive)
kidding me?” No one gets hurt, you feel
better, life carries on.
Then, when you have some time
alone, start investigating what exactly
sets you off, what repeated behaviour
gets to you, because you’re bound to find
out that the aspects of your children’s
behaviour that really bug you are the
same parts of yourself that you’re not too
fond of. Work to change those parts of
yourself and your child will change too –
without the constant repetition and stress.
Despite appearances, our kids really do
have a lot to teach us simply by showing
us their nature.
Orla Breeze is the founder of Joyful
Parenting, offering workshops, evenings
and individual sessions that focus
on changing your kids’ behaviour
by changing your own. Her popular
workshops, including Daddy 101
and Second Time Around, are run in
partnership with Annerley
(www.annerley
.
com.hk). For more information, dates and
times, visit
www.orlabreeze.com
.
Be the change you want to see in your kids, suggests
Orla Breeze
.
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