T
he British royal family has Asian blood, a
researcher discovered. One of their direct
descendants was from Gujarat in India, says a
DNA expert at the University of Edinburgh.
But of course! With their big noses and huge number
of members, it now seems obvious that Queen Elizabeth’s
family has blood from my part of the world. How could we
have missed the clues?
1. Their weddings are massive and interminable.
2. Curry has been declared the national dish of Britain.
3. Their family life is like a Bollywood soap opera,
parties alternating with melodrama.
4. They live in over-decorated palaces.
5. None of them have real jobs.
6. Despite living in the 21st century, they still think
living in a huge house overrun with servants is OK.
7. The young ones are terrible at studying, but still get
into fancy private schools.
8. The men like high collars and wear fancier clothes
than the women.
9. The older ones want to return to the days when all
marriages were arranged.
10. And I bet that passionate greenie Prince Charles
dances around trees when no one is looking.
In China, of course, family relationships are more
regulated. For example, there’s the recent Chinese court
ruling that if your folks are 60 or older, you should visit
them every eight weeks.
This is a lot to ask in a country where buying a ticket
to ride involves days of queuing, bribery, corruption and a
murder or two – and that’s just to get on the school bus.
So I was not surprised to read that businesses have
sprung up offering to do the visiting on people’s behalf.
I looked them up on the internet. One group of
professional visitors on the Taobao website offers to visit
your parents if you give them 100 yuan an hour plus some
info: “You have to tell us topics they like, so we can start
a good chat.” I guarantee the number-one topic is going
to be: “What useless deadbeat scum my children are.” No
doubt the stand-ins can enthusiastically agree.
Family matters
Here are ten reasons why it makes sense that the British royal
family has Indian blood, writes father-of-three
Nury Vittachi.
If I was a deadbeat Asian son (no comebacks, please)
I would pay extra and hire someone with drama skills to
pretend to be my parents’ actual offspring. Of course, hired
hands in that situation would have to think on their feet.
MOM: “You look different, my child. Didn’t you used
to be a boy?”
FAKE CHILD: “Er, yeah, but I felt like a change, you
know how it is.”
MOM: “Anyway, I’ll cook your favourite food: farmer
pie made with minced cow lips and shredded farmhand
underpants.”
Family life in Asia is often complicated. I am reminded
of this every time I read the paper. I just read about
a factory worker called Bhagwati Lal, who married
For example, there’s the
recent Chinese court ruling
that if your folks are 60 or
older, you should visit them
every eight weeks.
two women at the same time. The two brides, both
coincidentally called Rekha, didn’t mind, according to
villagers in Jaipur. From the point of view of the husband,
I can’t see the logic of this. It’s a bit like saying: “One
teaspoon of salt on my food is good, so two teaspoons must
be better.”
I bet Lal is miserable already. This will go into the files
under the title: “Things That Seemed Like A Good Idea at
the Time.”
Balancing two women at once is tough. Which of
course brings us back to Prince Charles. Just ask him.
Nury Vittachi writes a regular humour column at
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