Page 122 - playtimes_2011_11

120 Playtimes

US high school this past summer, she was forced to share the title of valedictorian (meaning “top scorer”) with a white girl. The tale of 18-year-old Kymberly, a student at McGehee High School in Arkansas was reported in the US press as a possible racism case. But if you actually read the press reports, you fnd that the student was impressive for another reason, too. Set aside the fact that she is an unwed teen mother. Her surname was Wimberley. Any child cursed with a mother dumb enough to send a child out into the world as Kymberly Wimberley is living life with a planet-sized disadvantage, that’s for sure.

But, generally speaking, the whole process of naming offspring after their parents is a dad thing. There are millions of boys called Something Junior, but I’ve never heard of a single girl called Anything Junior. Girls escape this. I think it’s because dads are not into the whole baby thing until it actually happens. Then they are thunderstruck by the fact that they have produced a little boy who will carry on their genetic lineage, and thus give him their own name with Junior attached.

Four reasons not to do this:

1. It’s a ridiculously egotistical move, like calling a person “Mini-Me”.

2.To avoid confusion, people will have to call him Junior, which will sound dumb when he is an adult.

3.When he grows up to become a serial killer the press will camp outside your door.

4. If he’s known as Junior, you become “Senior”, which everyone knows is a polite word for “drooling old fossil”.

Actually, come to think of it, dads who name their sons after them punish themselves. And this is particularly true for people who name all their children after themselves. Just think of the pain every time the phone rings in Nephra Payne’s house and a voice asks: “Is Nephra there?”.

Nury Vittachi writes a regular humour column at www.mrjam.org .

A

t the time of writing this column, police in New York are searching for a couple who reportedly snatched their children from social workers. The dad is called Nephra Payne and the kids, in order of age, are Nephra Payne, Nephra Payne, Nephra Payne, Nephra Payne, Nephra Payne, Nephra Payne, Nephra Payne and Nefertiti Payne. I know what you’re thinking. What’s up with Nefertiti, the youngest? Why isn’t she cursed with the same dumb name as the rest of them? Hey, Dad, not fair.

The report in The New York Times did not specify why the children had been removed from their parents in the frst place, but I suspect the charge should be a “serious lack of imagination.”

This whole naming-kids-after-yourself thing worries me, although I have come to expect it from low-life individuals, such as criminals, delinquents and celebrities. When Michael Jackson had a child and called him Michael Jackson, it was no surprise. But when his second child was also named Michael Jackson, it was a bit much – I mean, the poor kid was a GIRL, for a start. He then had a third child, whom he named Prince Michael Jackson. If he’d continued to have kids, no doubt they would be called King Michael Jackson, Emperor Michael Jackson, God Incarnate Michael Jackson, etc.

Every time I write anything negative about Michael Jackson I get a nasty letter from his fan, so let me add a disclaimer. I have ABSOLUTELY NOTHING against Michael Jackson, except for the fact that he was an evil, twisted, weirdo junkie who blew his children’s inheritance on statues of himself.

But he’s not the only self-obsessed celebrity. Boxer George Foreman couldn’t bear the thought of any of his children not sharing in the glory of his name, so all fve of his sons are called George Foreman. He also has a girl called George and another called Georgetta. WHY IS CURSING YOUR CHILD WITH A SILLY NAME NOT A CRIMINAL ACT?

Consider this: When a black girl won top marks at a

Dad, don’t give him your name

Kids need to have their own monikers, argues father-of-three Nury Vittachi .