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decision-making. She wants you to fnd the best answer together.” “But what about my mother? She is on the telephone almost every night with this same question. She wants to be in on the discussion, too. I hate to have the two of them angry and both of them growling at me. What do you think?”

There was a healthy pause. We looked at each other; both of us were thinking. With caution in my voice, I began, “Talk to your wife. Being a frst-time mother is darn frustrating at times. There is so much repetitive work – even bright two-year-olds take time to learn everyday skills. She chose to take time out from her career, but her job now is still hard work. Give her a chance to talk.” “And, my mother: she wants to talk, too. I suppose I have got to give her time also?”

Being a good Chinese son comes with its own responsibilities. These two roles – husband and father – are not easily defned in this day and age. Parents have to fgure it out as they go along.

Talking about touchy topics

Be ready to listen. If there is something that is heavy on your mind that you want to talk about, chances are pretty high that it might be on her mind, too, and she’ll likely have plenty to say. Stick to one question. If you think the disagreement is over the language for kindergarten, then stay centered on that topic. Ask her to help you understand the reasons she feels the way she does and focus your attention only on that discussion. Ask her to hear you out. You talk for two minutes, and then she gets to talk for an equal amount of time while you listen. No interruptions are allowed. Let each other speak without question for the frst time around.

Watch the time. If you sense some understanding or compromise happening through your interaction, then keep going. But, remember that after about 12 to 15 minutes in an emotionally charged conversation, each person has probably talked enough. Agree to take a break.

Close with appreciation. Even if you do not fnish, or feel that you have not made all your points, or sense there is no conclusion, say thank you. Let your wife know that you are grateful for the chance to start talking about the big questions.

Let your wife know that you are grateful for the chance to start talking about the big questions.

“If my mother knows when she is going to see me, then she does not call so often. I guess that I had better just talk to my wife. Together we need to set up some regular times to see my mother. I know my mother would like that.”

“Could be you are on a roll. Good luck with both women.” “And, hey, Dr Kao, are you sure there is no clear answer on which is the best language for kids to start school with? I mean, with all the books and research, how is a family supposed to decide?” Mike stopped. He paused, clicked his fngers and nodded. “Oh, yeah, I know … talk to my wife.”

Light on his feet, the big man walked down the hall. He had his own answer and he knew he would have to talk with his wife and with his mother. No shortcuts. Talking takes real time.

Rosann Santora Kao, Ph.D. can be contacted at the Jadis Blurton Family Development Center. Call 2869 1962, or email at rosannk@talhk.com.

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