M
y kids were scoffing sweet, flat things from a
box. “The sugar will make your teeth rot,”
I roared. But they thrust the package at me,
telling me that they were sugar-free health
foods.
I peered at the box suspiciously. The packaging of
Earth’s Best Tots Cereal Bars said the main ingredient
was “organic evaporated cane juice”. It added: “It is
recommended that children get six servings from this
important category every day.”
About 20 minutes later, as I was walking down the
street, the truth hit me. Hang on a minute! “Organic
evaporated cane juice”? That’s just sugar. Six a day? We’d
been fooled!
I wrote a steaming post about how I had allowed Evil
Business People to sugarize my already terrifyingly hyper
children.
Then I walked past a university building and saw a
sign: “Free fitness test”. I decided I could use an ego boost
and walked through the door of the
gym. Then I realised my mistake.
This was a university, so everyone
else was 19 years old.
Some people think under-21s are
young adults. This is wrong. They’re
actually a totally different species
of biped. They live entirely on junk
food and stay up all night, yet retain
their boundless energy and tiny
waists.
But it was too late to back
out. I was ushered towards a row
of workstations, at each of which
one aspect of my health would be
measured with tests and tools.
At the first table, a young
woman charged with recording
my results looked half asleep –
until she saw my data. Her eyes
widened and her jaw hit the floor.
I asked: “Is it bad news? Am I
going to live?” I was joking, but
a) she took it completely seriously,
and b) she didn’t say yes. All
she replied was: “Wow, that is
Proof positive
Kids and adults are different species, and statistics confirmed
it in a scary way for father-of-three
Nury Vittachi.
REALLY bad. Worst one today.”
The look she sent to her colleague seemed to say: Shall
we call an ambulance? Or perform last rites? Wanting
to avoid having a corpse at her desk (bad feng shui), she
quickly wrote my data on a form and sent me to the next
station.
The same thing happened at that desk. The young
man taking the results offered to help me walk to the
next station. I felt so decrepit, I almost accepted. I got the
worst score of the day at each fitness station. By the time I
reached the last one, I felt like I had already died, but just
hadn’t stopped moving.
At the last desk, the coordinator typed all my results
into his computer, his eyes filling with tears, whether of
sorrow or laughter, I couldn’t say. Then he typed in my
age and pressed enter. His eyes suddenly opened wide.
“Oh,” he said, sitting back in his seat, surprised. “You are
‘normal’ for your age.”
I could tell what he was thinking. If these results are
normal, then adults and young
people can only be two completely
different species. Which is what I
said at the beginning. We all work it
out eventually.
When I got home, I had a
response to my post about Earth’s
Best Tots Cereal Bars.
“Your children’s cereal bar
packaging is shockingly misleading,
but smart people are allowed to
make money by tricking stupid
ones,” the reader wrote. “It’s called
capitalism.”
I miss communism.
Communists don’t trick your
children. They just burn your
books and make you go into the
countryside and toil the land with
peasant farmers until you die in the
fields and your bones are picked
clean by vultures. At least it’s
honest.
Nury welcomes your comments
at
Your children’s cereal
bar packaging is
shockingly misleading,
but smart people are
allowed to make money
by tricking stupid ones.
124
Playtimes
