the full and busy schedule of stay-at-
home parents. “When people ask me
‘So, what do you do with all your time
now?’ I have to bite my tongue. SAHMs
generally feel that they don’t get any
recognition for the time and effort
required for parenting,” she says.
Supportive spouses
Closer to home, mums who have
shelved their careers for their families
often look to their partners or children
for positive sentiments about their
domestic efforts. Whilst it is not
developmentally appropriate to expect
children to routinely congratulate you
on your parenting, working partners
can make an effort to spend time
with their partner and appreciate the
domestic efforts that a lighter schedule
allows, says Kate.
“Where couples often get caught
up is that there is much left unsaid and
assumed. Making the unsaid said can
help significantly,” she advises.
Last year, former advertising
consultant Rani Arora reluctantly
agreed to relocate with her husband
for the third time in six years. “I’m
in limbo as a trailing spouse, socially
and professionally. My husband
travels for work and when he’s here
he’s too tired to help out with the kids.
He jokes about the leisurely lives of
tai-tais with his friends, or how men
fund their wives’ shopping habits,
which really hurts,” says Rani, who is
a mother of two.
Pre-defining the roles and
responsibilities that each partner
will undertake as a parent can help
to defuse marital discord, advises
Family Coach Cora Ha of Family
Foundations Ltd. “Most couples
do not define their responsibilities
towards each other and their children
beforehand, which results in one or
both of the parents feeling trapped
into a ‘I didn’t sign up for this’
situation. Parenting classes can help to
put things on the table for discussion
before they happen so there can be
more alignment. This reduces friction
and increases gratitude for what each
person is doing.”
Work-life balance
Rani’s desire to return to the workplace
is quashed by Hong Kong’s work
culture, which makes it difficult for
mothers to ‘have it all’, she says. “Work-
life balance is still a relatively new
concept here. Working in the corporate
world, there will always be trade-offs
and feelings of guilt as a result.”
Amy recalls feeling overwhelmed
by guilt and exhaustion when she
juggled work and family commitments
as a lawyer. “When I returned to
work after maternity leave, the law
firm allowed me to work part-time by
seconding me out to clients. It worked
well at first but then it became clear
to me that I was working in a silo. My
career had started to slip and I was
not promoted in line with my peer
group. I was told by one of the most
senior male partners that if I wanted
to be promoted I needed to return
to the firm full-time. Even though I
was working ‘part-time’, the nature of
my work meant that I was practically
working full-time, just not from the
office, but this was not recognised,”
says Amy who, months later, set up
Bumble Tots in Ma On Shan.
Re-evaluate yourself
While losing your professional
identity can be profoundly unsettling,
March 2015
43
