Dirty diapers and sleepless nights don’t exactly inspire spicy
nights in the bedroom, but
Elle Kwan’s
got the low-down on how
to put sex back on the to-do list.
F
or Valentine’s Day, your baby daddy may be
imagining a romantic date followed by a night
of passion. But what happens when all you really
want is an early night? From doctors, the official
line on sex after childbirth is four to six weeks after giving
birth. Normally by that time tears are healed and bleeding
has stopped – you are signed off fit and ready to get back
in the sack. But late nights, roller coaster hormones and a
changing body can last for months longer, putting nights of
passion on hold.
“
If you ask people why they want to have sex they most
likely will say for pleasure or closeness. But if you ask what’s
getting in the way, you might hear things like, ‘My body
is different, I’m concerned with my caesarean scar and
stretch marks, my breasts have changed, I’m too tired to
be as excited as I used to be, or I don’t want certain parts
touched right now,’” says Cindy LaTour, a sex therapist
with a degree in marriage and family therapy, who works
at The Blurton Family Development Center. The wife and
mother of two says she sees sex disappear after childbirth
“
almost as often as I see pregnant women not being given a
seat on the MTR.”
Most couples, she says, lose focus on giving and
receiving pleasure in various ways besides intercourse.
When those connections are lost, it can be hard to
remember how to want or need your partner, she says.
It’s best to try and appreciate that there will be changes
and talk about them ahead of the baby’s arrival, if possible.
“
If you are thinking, ‘I know I won’t want to have sex six
to eight weeks after having the baby,’ acknowledge that
thought,” advises Cindy.
Overburdened body
But expect some of your views to change once the baby
has arrived. It may be that breastfeeding leaves you feeling
like your body is being exploited, or that the cuddling and
bonding caring for a new baby demands fulfils a need for
intimacy that leaves sex superfluous. Maybe struggling with
the stress of a difficult baby or late nights leaves you with
little energy. Or you may feel depressed. “Six weeks after
the baby comes, re-evaluate your thoughts and feelings
around having sexual intercourse,” says Cindy. Relay those
thoughts as well.
Mother-of-two Miranda Wong agrees. She says she and
her husband talked about how sex changes after childbirth
during early marriage counselling sessions. However, not
everything can be planned. “What you think is going to
happen and what does happen are two different things,”
she says.
Miranda not only suffered post-natal depression, but
had to endure tearing and a dodgy stitch job that left
her in pain. She and her husband tried to weather those
storms together. “In our case, it caused us to be a lot more
creative,” she says. “My husband went out and bought me
my first vibrator soon after my son was born and we’ve
never looked back.”
For others, finding ways to adapt to a changing body
and its new role as chief nourisher can be a challenge.
February 2013
37