T
rish, my eldest child, is a
smart kid. She’s responsible
and helpful. My youngest,
Joshua, is very easy-going
and just gets on with things. They get
on really well with each other. But
Sophie, my middle child … To be
honest, we can’t figure her out!” says
Lara Khan, mother of three.
If you’re wondering why your
children are so different, think about
their position in the family pecking
order. Pioneered in 1910 by Austrian
psychologist Alfred Adler, “birth
order” theories hypothesise that the
order in which children are born
affects how their family members
treat them. This, in turn, influences
their personalities, relationships and
lifestyle choices.
Firstborn children
Parents are naturally very excited
when their first child is born. They
spend hours scouring the shops for
the best necessities and luxuries for
their firstborn; they agonise over, and
celebrate, every milestone; and they
navigate tirelessly through the child-
rearing minefield, eager to be the
perfect parent to the perfect child.
Raised in an environment where
nothing but the best will do, the
only child or firstborn typically
develops into a perfectionist.
One day, the king of the castle is
knocked off his throne by a younger
sibling. The eldest child may fall
in love with his baby sibling or he
may feel rejected and unloved by his
parents. To add to the blow, parents
might become stricter on their eldest
child because they no longer have the
time to pander to his every whim or
because they expect him to set a good
example for the younger sibling.
Determined to regain his parents’
attention, the firstborn may become a
responsible, rule-abiding leader or a
frustrated rebel.
Bettina Farrimond, a mother of
four, says, “Finlo, our firstborn, is
very loving and gentle, but he does
get stressed out whenever he feels an
imbalance in the relationship with us.
He is not a sporty person at all but he’s
always trying to please us and never
rebels if I sign him up for another
sports course. Finlo is everybody’s
darling; the teachers in school love him
since he’s very obedient to rules.”
In 2008, a study conducted at
Brigham Young University estimated
that parents spend around 3,000 more
hours with their firstborn between
the ages of four and 13 compared to
the next sibling. While Bettina spends
more time with Finlo because she
feels guilty that he is “in many ways,
our guinea pig”, other parents may
spend more time with their eldest child
because they hold higher expectations
of them to achieve academically
or because they can identify more
with them, according to a survey by
Netmums.com in 2009. These findings
may explain why, in 2007, Norwegian
researchers discovered that firstborns
are typically more intelligent than their
younger siblings.
Unfortunately, parental pressure to
be a flawless high-achiever can result
in firstborns becoming overly anxious,
inflexible and unable to cope with
failure, be it perceived or real, advises
Hadas Hecht, child counsellor at Child
and Family Development Practice in
Discovery Bay.
She advises parents to hold
reasonable expectations of
their firstborn. “Don’t put big
responsibilities on his small shoulders
and certainly don’t expect him to
take on the ‘parent’ role’,” she says.
“
Teach your child that failure is part
of learning. Praise your child for his
efforts, not just his achievements.”
“
take a
number
What, if anything, does birth order reveal about
your personality? asks
Angela Baura
.
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