(rated PG)
E
xcuse me, but where exactly do
you think you’re going? You get
yourself back here right now, do
you hear me? DO YOU??!
Oh sorry, I didn’t mean
you
, my
lovely reader. I was just in the middle of
shouting at my kids. The way you do.
My guestimate is that I’ve shouted their
names well over 100,000 times by now.
Five times per day, times 365 days a year,
times three kids, times the total number
of years they’ve been alive equals a hell
of a lot of name-calling. A
hell
of a lot. It’s
no wonder it’s one of the most annoying
aspects of parenthood: They go too far,
we reel them back, they ignore us and,
hey presto, the shouting begins.
There has got to be a way to stop
them in their tracks! More importantly,
there’s got to be a way to preserve our
delicate parenting voices. But how?
Boundaries, my friend, boundaries – the
greatest parenting tool ever created. Yes,
I know that boundaries often get a bad
rap. “Aren’t they a little restrictive? Won’t
they stunt my child’s creativity or sense of
freedom?” Well, if you allowme to present
my all-new “Boundaries are fab!” theory,
you may be both pleased and surprised
to discover that the opposite is true.
Let’s begin with ourselves. As adults,
we know there are certain country
boundaries we simply won’t cross
because the consequences could be
disastrous. So we may be very happy to
travel to Australia, for example, but not so
excited about a move to Syria because,
right now, there’s no assumption of safety.
Without an assumption of safety, there’s
no stable foundation to build on and,
without that stability, we’re simply left with
a whole lot of uncertainty and stress.
It’s exactly the same with emotional
boundaries. Look at your own
relationship: you didn’t meet your partner
one morning and marry him/her in the
afternoon. You waited until you found
someone who you felt safe and secure
with, and whose boundaries you were
clear on… or kind of clear on. You may
have had to make a few adjustments
later, but my point is that knowing the
boundaries in your relationship allows you
the freedom to be more of yourself. It’s a
safe place to be.
Now let’s apply that to our kids.
When they’re little babies, we have a
natural tendency to create physical
boundaries. Babywearing, Moses baskets
and swaddling all reinforce the very safe
physical boundary of the womb – that
beautiful, wonderful space in which they
grew. But as they get bigger and those
physical boundaries become a bit of a
squeeze, we can extend that sense of
security with some emotional boundaries,
not because we want to restrict them but
because emotional boundaries keep
that sense of safety going. And that sense
of safety allows them the freedom to be
more of themselves.
You see, a boundary doesn’t have
to be a restriction; it can be a loving,
supportive framework. My kids know that
hitting each other is an absolute no-no and
results in a looonnnggg time out in their
bedroom. But, on the other more positive
hand, they also know that I’ll support them
in their cause if they come tome before
the argument becomes physical. And
that’s got to be a good thing.
I’mnot going to lie to you: it requires
commitment and dedication to set clear
boundaries (and enforce them), but the
reward is a far calmer, infinitelymore
peaceful home. As our kids learnwhere
the line is and as we keep reinforcing that
line, our shouting opportunities massively
reduce. They knowhow far they can go, so
they’re less likely to take that one step too
far. And you knowwhat that means, right?
Yup, vocal cords and sanity saved, all in
one fell swoop! Which brings me back to
my theory: Boundaries are fab!
Orla Breeze offers private Parental
Guidance! sessions for expectant, new
and even experienced parents who’d
like to learn how to keep their cool while
nurturing the best in their kids. Contact
her at
.
Setting some boundaries will allow your kids to
grow and develop without constantly testing
your limits, writes
Orla Breeze.
Benefit from
boundaries
