since birth and her 13 and nine year old
children are very comfortable with their
conception story. “IVF is a means to an
end, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Be
relaxed and positive and your children
will pick that up.” Anya and her husband
originally kept it simple, focusing on the
fact that they just needed some help,
“and then as they have grown we have
talked more about the mechanics, such
as petri dishes and injections.” The
children felt comfortable enough to ask
questions such as ‘Did you feel sad not
having children?’ and ‘Did the injections
hurt?’ Anya’s attitude and openness
have clearly paid off – her 13 year old
daughter recently spoke to her biology
class about IVF and her own conception.
There are tools available commercially
to assist parents in raising the IVF and
donor concepts with their children
too. DVDs or books such as
I am
extra special: 21st Century Guide to
the Birds and the Bees
, and
The Pea
that was Me
can help to inform the
conversation at different ages. Fertility
clinics often provide online resources
and counselling to help parents in talking
with their children. There are networks
and social media groups aplenty. Sophie
recommends that parents who are
struggling with how to initiate discussion
with their children, or those with complex
IVF experiences to address, should
consider approaching a professional
fertility counsellor. Sometimes even just
talking with other IVF parents can be
helpful. Lana and her husband attended
a workshop for parents of donor-
conceived children and found it “nice
for once to be in a room of people all
openly discussing the emotional journey
which led them to using a donor, and
how they will tackle this with their kids
going forward. It was very useful to help
‘normalise’ our circumstances, which
often feel shrouded in secrecy and a bit
of a social stigma.”
Whilst IVF is becoming increasingly
common, it doesn't follow that it is any
easier for prospective parents to deal
with infertility, nor does it mean that it’s
any easier to explain to children that they
were conceived with assistance. Experts
like Tracey agree that honesty really is the
best policy though. “I’ve not met parents
who have regretted being open with their
children in my 15 years of working in the
field of fertility. Providing clarity promotes
questions being asked of parents, rather
than a child keeping things in, acting out
in terms of behaviour, or seeking answers
from others.” There is another benefit to
being honest about assisted conception
too – it allows children to comprehend the
great lengths their parent/s went through
in order to have them. Anya and her
husband stressed this one crucial point
when talking with their children about IVF:
that they were “just very, very wanted.”
There’s no doubt that this is a wonderful
message for any child to hear.
November 2016
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