exploring tourist sites on a more casual
schedule, allows me to appreciate what
I’m seeing better, and I return home
more rested and recharged.
Let go of your hot buttons.
When travelling with a parent,
you’ll spend a lot of time in close
quarters together, and aspects of their
personalities (and your own) can burst
forth. We all have hot buttons, and
because of our shared history, family
members are the ones who know best
how to push them (both intentionally
and unintentionally).
When your buttons are pushed,
resist the urge to fight. Just let it go:
let go of being right, of having the last
word, of proving how smart you are.
After all, we’re adults now, and part
of being a grown-up is letting stuff
go. So count to ten quietly to yourself,
leave the room, or just close your eyes
and take a deep breath. The more you
practise these self-calming techniques,
the better off you’ll be when you really
need them.
Understand that your role has
changed – and is still changing.
As your parents age and need more
assistance, you start to shift away from
your usual role as the child in this
relationship. The effect on your
psyche can be not only profound but
surreal, and is further compounded
when a parent strongly resists this
shift.
It’s a careful balancing act:
adopting the decision-making role
while not actually assuming the parent
role. Be careful not to treat your
parents like children. They deserve
your respect, and treating them any
differently (even if you’re making all
the decisions) is a recipe for disaster.
Recognise that you will ALWAYS
be the child.
Although I’m now 47, when I visit
Mom in Indiana, she still asks the
same questions that annoyed me when
I was younger and living at home:
“What time will you be home?”
and “Can you call me if you’ll be
late?” and “Why did you choose that
lipstick?” No matter how old I am or
how our roles shift, I will
always
be
Mom’s little girl.
I can’t make her stop thinking like
my mother, but I
can
change how I
react to those questions. The issue here
isn’t one of her needing to trust me as
an adult; rather, it’s about my letting
go of the emotional baggage that
defines the parent-child relationship.
So, instead of being angry when
Mom reminds me to be careful (aren’t
I always?), I try to remember to
celebrate the fact that she still cares.
December 2014
111
