It’s important to identify what is
causing stress for your sibling. It could be
they are trying to achieve the impossible.
Dr Chan says, “Are they burning out?
Clarify specifics of what’s causing the
carer strain and brainstorm options
together. What support services, often
run by local NGOs [non-governmental
organisations] or health services, are
available and yet untapped? Encourage
them to accept that seeking outside help
is not a betrayal of their care. The key
point is for your sibling to know you are
here for them, even if for the foreseeable
moment you happen to be miles apart.”
Roll up your sleeves
You might feel helpless and alone, trying
to support your family from far away, but
there are ways you can help. And helping
might make you feel better, too.
• Help with remote tasks.
You can pick
up non-physical administrative tasks.
Can you help organise banking, make
appointments, manage their calendar,
or even manage any social workers or
caseworkers who are involved?
• Give your sibling a break.
Most primary
caregivers need a break. It’s a very
stressful, physically and emotionally
draining position to hold. You could pay
for respite in-home help or organise a
weekend away at a care facility for
your sick parent. If possible, you could
fly home to help out in person.
• Get specific with offers of help.
“How
can I help?” is an enormously open
question. It might be more helpful to
state which specific tasks you could help
with, instead of a general offer of help.
Think beyond the caregiver: how can
you help their partner and kids, too?
Understand the realities
It’s amnesty time. Primary caregiver is
a 24/7 job; it’s not only time-consuming
and emotionally draining, it can be
expensive. The expenses are incurred
through costs paid by the caregiver, but
also through the reality of earning less
due to time away from work, not taking a
promotion or even having to leave work.
Acknowledgement is essential,
and it’s only fair to have a clear, honest
conversation with that sibling about
the costs they’re incurring. Don’t forget
to discuss the emotional cost on their
household, especially if they’re coping
with an elderly parent in a declining
mental state.
Grieving from afar
All the benefits of being an expat are
suddenly drained and irrelevant in the
face of losing a family member. Nothing
will ever be as powerful as being seated
next to your family in a time of crisis,
but today we have tools like Skype and
Facebook to help us connect and feel
closer. Sometimes the passing of a parent
is the trigger to head home.
One expat, whose husband
watched his brother in the US care
for his dad while the family lived in
Hong Kong and Singapore, says, “My
husband’s brother had to bear the brunt
of their dad’s illness, both physically and
emotionally. Then, after his father passed
away, that’s when my husband decided
to move us all back to the US. Even
though their dad was gone, he wanted
to be there to support his mother and
brother.” This is not an uncommon story.
Moving home may not be an option
for you, so again, be there for your
siblings and try to take some time
together face to face. And don’t forget:
losing a parent is a natural, timely
reminder to embrace and cherish
our relationships with our siblings and
remaining family.
December 2014
105
