(rated PG)
L
aid-back mums, wake up! We’re
being left behind in the parenting
stakes. Forty-eight per cent of our
mothering sisters are out there
feeling pressured to be practically
perfect in every way. And what are we
doing about it? Nothing! We’re casually
taking each day as it comes, whilst
the rest of our kind are striving daily
to become members of the Perfect
Parenting Club. None of this laid-back
parenting for them, oh no! It’s perfection
or nothing.
Well, I have heard my wake-up call
and I, for one, refuse to be left behind.
We need to up our game, people! Simply
follow this five-step programme and
perfection will be ours!
Step one:
If we want to parent
perfectly, then we’ve got to look the
part. Perfect parents present themselves
perfectly. Not a hair out of place, not a
nail un-manicured and definitely no sign
of baby puke anywhere on our clothing.
Simply make time in between feeding,
soothing, bathing, burping, dressing and
rocking your baby to ensure you look
your absolute best. How hard can it be,
right?
Step two:
Repeat after me: “There is
no time for fun. There is no time for fun.”
Perfect parenting is a serious business.
Please, don’t trivialise it for the rest of us.
Step three:
Perfect parents have
perfect babies who develop exactly the
way parenting books say, so sign up for
every mother and baby group you can
find. These gatherings are the perfect
place for research and development. Do
not waste any time on chit chat. Instead
spend every moment comparing your
baby with every other baby in the group,
and then silently panic when all of the
other babies appear to be so much
further ahead.
Step four:
Oh dear, is that your baby I
hear crying? Please make it stop. Perfect
parents have babies who never, ever cry.
Step five:
Who said anything about
“me time”? There is no “me” in perfect.
If you’re not fully focused on baby 24/7,
you’re letting the entire side down.
Shame on you!
So there you have it. Now that it’s all
laid out in black and white, this perfect
parenting lark seems like something we
can all easily achieve, right?
What’s that? It feels a little restrictive,
you say? Well sure, that’s a possible
downside, but think of all the upsides!
What? There are none? Funny you should
say that, because I kinda suspected that
might be the case.
The thing is, when we feel that we
should parent in a certain way we lose
the connection to the kind of parenting
that works for us. The kind that allows time
for spontaneity and fun. That allows for
bad days and good. That doesn’t care if
you’re still wearing maternity clothes six
months after your baby is born (or nine,
like me) and couldn’t give a monkey’s
if your idea of a happy family involves
eating pizza in your pyjamas seven days
a week.
Perfect parenting is a myth. It’s
simply not possible because everybody
parents differently. And if that’s the case,
then who are we basing our definition of
perfect on?
Let’s be honest. We all know that
parenting can be challenging at the
best of times, so why add the pressure to
be perfect on top? If you are spending
each day providing your child with food,
shelter, clothing and a massive dose of
unconditional love, then guess what?
You’ve just qualified as a perfect parent.
Welcome to the club.
Orla Breeze’s parenting classes,
including Daddy 101 and Mommy 101,
offer tips, techniques and humorous
insights into life as a parent. If you’d like
to discuss what every parent thinks, but
seldom dares to talk about, and learn
other secrets to parenting success, visit
Here’s your definitive guide to producing the
perfect progeny, courtesy of
Orla Breeze.
Perfect parenting
24
Playtimes
