but we’re more likely to see taunting
on buses where victims can’t escape
and where there’s very little adult
supervision. The use of language and
words and taking other children’s
belongings is much more common in
Hong Kong.”
Understanding bullying
Children who target and taunt others
are usually not happy and have a
low self-image, often as a result of
once having been bullied at home
or at school themselves. They may
be going through a difficulty such
as a divorce at home, a transition or
a bereavement, and lack the skills
to cope with it so they lash out at
others.
Sometimes, however, children
who resort to bullying behaviour
may have very high self-esteem and
a superiority complex. Psychologist
Lora Lee says that these children
“find it difficult to conform to rules.
They want power over others and
use violence to gain control.” She
suggests, “If you notice that your child
tends to lack empathy and finds it
difficult to see things from someone
else’s perspective, these may be signs
that your child has the potential to
become a bully. Pay attention to how
your child interacts with younger or
more vulnerable children, and then
let them know what is acceptable
and spell out the consequences of
bullying.”
Bullies need support too, not
just to help them deal with their
underlying issues, but also to break
the behaviour cycle. Parents are often
quick to jump to the aid of the child
being bullied, but not so fast when it
comes to stepping in if their child is
the perpetrator. Do you notice your
children behaving differently in the
playground, with the helper, or on
the bus? If you are concerned about
your child’s behaviour towards others,
or if you have complaints from the
school, don’t be shocked that your
child is capable of bullying behaviour,
and don’t let your feelings of shame
and guilt stop you from responding.
Kids need help navigating different
social structures, and guidance on
acceptable behaviour in different
settings.
Dean, a father of two, expressed
frustration over a recent situation in
the playground: “A child from school
was verbally abusing my son, and
then began to get physical, repeatedly
ramming his bike into Sam’s leg. His
mother laughed it off with a ‘boys will
be boys’ comment, but I wish she had
taken him aside and explained that
his behaviour was not acceptable.
Without guidance from his parents,
that child will not change.”
Children who bully others are not
necessarily bad kids, but they do need
to learn that there are consequences
to their actions – both from a
disciplinary point of view and the
impact it has on their victims.
Is your child being bullied?
As children grow, they lose some of
their willingness to share every detail
of their lives with their parents. Teens,
in particular, can be very tight-lipped,
and when bullying is involved, many
feel too ashamed to discuss it with
anyone. Most children probably won’t
come out and tell you that they’re
being bullied, but there are signs that
you can look out for if you suspect
all is not right. You know your child
best, and you will notice if there are
any changes in their behaviour. Any
behaviour that is outside of the norm
should be investigated.
The emotional and behavioural
effects of bullying are often the most
noticeable. Tamara’s son Henry was
bullied at school for months and she
noticed him becoming increasingly
depressed and withdrawn. She says,
“He stopped wanting to go to school,
and then he lost interest in football
and all the other after-school stuff he
had once really enjoyed. Our outgoing
12-year-old was suddenly very moody
and had no patience for his younger
sister.” Some children, like Henry,
may be more temperamental at home
because they are suppressing their
emotions during the day at school.
They may be more aggressive with
younger siblings, pets and other
family members.
Jayne’s eight-year-old daughter
Holly began wetting the bed again
when a group of girls at school started
taking her lunchbox every day and
leaving nasty notes in it. Jayne says
that initially “she was just having bad
dreams, then the bed-wetting started
and eventually she didn’t want to get
up in the morning. I noticed that she
had stopped mentioning a couple
of girls who had once been her best
friends, and didn’t think much of it at
first, but then any time I asked about
those girls she got teary and quite
upset. I knew then that something was
very wrong.”
In younger children – who are
often a bit clumsy – bumps, bruises
and scratches are perfectly normal.
But once your child has grown out of
that stage, physical signs of bullying
are more obvious. Some children who
are being bullied may complain more
December 2014
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