and having them formally captured
in a legal format, will help manage
family dynamics and disagreements
at a time when emotions run high.
Penny Holcome, a registered
nurse and aged-care professional who
leads the team at Care3 Aged Care,
knows all too well what it feels like to
be separated by distance from a sick
parent. She travelled that road when
she moved away from home and her
father fell ill. Her advice is, “Take a
big breath and bite the bullet. A good
rule to follow is the 40:70 rule. If
you’re 40, it’s time to have these types
of conversations with your parents,
because they’re likely to be around
70.” She also cites living abroad as a
great opener and justification for the
confronting talk. “Relocation is the
perfect reason to raise the subject,
and can be a way for you to lead the
discussion on behalf of your siblings.”
Set yourself up for success
Be prepared, this is a conversation
that may not be welcomed. Dr
Chan suggests, “With any difficult
conversations you want to maximise
all the ways you can to make it a
success. Take a trip home if you can
– don’t do it via Skype. Give your
parents their best chance to open up
to you. That probably means a face-
to-face discussion.”
Engaging your siblings can also
be beneficial because, when it comes
to family, there’s often safety in
numbers – a united front will be most
convincing for your parents.
Lead with love
Remember, this conversation is about
your concerns, so make sure you
lead with love. Dr Chan says, “Try
something like this: ‘I’m going to talk
to you about a sensitive topic. I want
to be clear about your wishes if ever
the time comes and making decisions
for yourself becomes challenging.
We can communicate to those
involved in your care to make
sure these important wishes are
respected.’” She continues, “Tackle
any shared concerns on health
and potential risks first and, as
the conversation builds and [if ]
they sound offended, apologise
and explain that you are trying to
help capture them at their best.
Try pointing out that even in good
health, some people have wills and
health directives, including you. You
and your siblings just wanted to have
a chat, and you’re grateful to get
it off your chest. Then suggest you
leave it for now, but [that] perhaps
it’s something you may revisit in the
future.”
If you’re concerned about their
health, see if they’re open to seeing
a healthcare professional to ensure
early treatment of conditions to
optimise their independence. Dr
Chan says, “There is no right or
wrong, there’s no perfect way. It’s
fluid. Don’t always expect a happy
ending; these are extremely difficult
conversations to be had over time. Be
prepared for the situation to change,
and work with the flow.”
December 2014
97
