O
ne recent evening, the
call for dinner came,
and a minute later two
hungry adolescents sat
down. One looked at what was on
offer – a lovely lentil and sausage stew
and green salad – and immediately
turned up her nose. Our family rule
since the kids were little has been “one
taste of everything.” But tonight, an
emphatic teenager declared, “That’s
it. I’m not eating the lentils. I don’t like
lentils; I’ve never liked them. And yes,
I’ve tasted them ten different times.
I. Am. Not. Eating. Them.
” She
decidedly picked out some sausage and
helped herself to salad.
In that instant of seat-of-your-pants
parenting that we all have to perfect
over the years, I realised that maybe
she really
didn’t
like lentils. And that
she had tasted them more than ten
times. “Fine,” I said. “You’re right.
You are both old enough to have
developed tastes and preferences.
So, here’s the deal. You each can
designate one food that you never have
to taste again, unless you want to. I
won’t make a separate dinner for you,
and I won’t stop cooking it because
you don’t like it, so go make yourself
a sandwich or eat other leftovers
after you clear the dishes. Decide on
your food and let me know. This is a
one-time offer.” Two incredulous kids
quickly began discussing the merits
of mushrooms over courgettes, lentils
over salmon. Mealtimes haven’t been
our family battleground, and my kids
aren’t really too picky – it’s just that no
one had ever refused. A little choice
and freedom went a long way that
evening.
Pick your battles
Every family is different, but typically,
as children approach the end of
primary school and head towards
adolescence, the roles begin to change.
Mum and Dad are still the bosses,
of course, but your pre-teen also
needs opportunities to start finding
his/her own voice and making his/
her own decisions. There’s plenty
of research to support that children
who are sheltered and never given the
opportunity to try, fail, and try again
encounter difficulties making decisions
as they become young adults.
So, what’s negotiable? Let’s all
agree that when it comes to safety
and health, there’s no discussion.
Mum and Dad make the rules. But
what about schoolwork, for example?
Do you keep on top of the kids,
monitoring their every assignment?
Or, do you allow them to manage
their time, and if they miss an
assignment, take the bad grade?
Most schools reinforce the concept
of time management as children reach
a stage where they have multiple
teachers and are changing classes.
Experts (and seasoned parents) would
agree that this can be a challenging
skill to master. Arguing with your
pre-teen about homework can be
exhausting, and it’s tempting to just
drop it and see what happens.
After decades of research and
countless articles about the importance
of building children’s self-esteem and
positive reinforcement, in the past
few years there has been a swing in
the other direction, with the idea
that children need to suffer in order
to prepare them for the future harsh
realities of life. But in
The Myth of the
Spoiled Child: Challenging the Conventional
Wisdom
, education expert Alfie Kohn
notes, “…to teach children how to
handle a fire emergency, we talk to
them about the dangers of smoke
inhalation and advise them where to
go when the alarm sounds. We don’t
actually set them on fire.” What is
important here is to focus on helping
them to understand that the choices
they make (not doing homework, in
Letting out the rope...
without cutting the cord
As your child gets older, your roles are both changing a bit.
You’re still the boss, but your tween also needs opportunities
to start finding her own voice and making her own
decisions, writes
Jennifer Barnes Eliot
.
62
Playtimes
