parents, spouses, or siblings. We like
to think of birth as this magical time
where the mother’s pain is negated
by the overwhelming joy of bringing
a new baby into the world. While
that can be fairly true for some, it
certainly doesn’t tell the whole story.
Not only are there medical risks
and complications during birth, but
we also know that many mothers
and fathers suffer from post-partum
depression.
What do dads say?
After researching the transition to
parenthood for years, I moved to
Hong Kong to start a family myself.
I knew from long hours of interviews
with first-time fathers a number of
important things:
1
Dads like pre-parenting and
birthing classes. Fathers reported
that pre-parenting classes tended to
be couple focused and a good way to
learn important skills for the birth,
such as how to support their partner
during the birth, as well as skills for
caring for an infant.
A dad’s thoughts on classes:
“…
make sure the dad has what he needs
to be able to support the wife. Dads
need help and information to carry
out their role as ‘supporter’. He needs
to be educated on what he can do
to help… I think the people in the
courses and the doula facilitated that.
I am not sure that the doctors had
that in mind at all.”
2
Dads say that getting involved
early and often during the
pregnancy makes a big difference.
A positive self-image, as a dedicated
and competent father-to-be, helps
new dads to successfully navigate
the transition to fatherhood. Being
present and participatory in antenatal
appointments can help fight feeling
like – and being treated as – a
secondary parent-to-be.
A dad speaks about being involved
in appointments:
“I never really felt
secondary, I just felt equal. And I
think that as people started seeing me
every time, maybe they just weren’t
fazed, they started to see me as well
as my wife. They didn’t just talk to
her – they talked to me, so that made
me feel equal. So, I am not just sitting
there like a bump on a log and just
hanging out watching her. It was also
me asking questions and not just my
wife asking.”
3
Dads report being surprised
by the overwhelming and even
frightening nature of birth. Fathers
described the time surrounding
birth in the hospital as complex
and one that is experienced in a
heightened emotional state. The
dads used words to describe the birth
such as “overwhelming”, “busy”,
“out of control”, “frightening”,
“very exciting”, “traumatic”, and
“dramatic”; this was true for births
with and without complications.
A dad on being in the delivery
room:
“I was pretty happy about how
everything turned out. But during the
whole birth I was pretty scared. I was
terrified, basically. And then them
putting the epidural needle in… my
wife was pretty brave. I think I just
about fainted.”
It is no surprise that strong
paternal self-esteem helps new dads
to navigate the birth, the time in the
hospital, dealings with medical staff,
as well as their overall transition to
fatherhood, successfully. What is
surprising is how little society does
to support dads as equal parents
throughout pregnancy and beyond.
Mothers are expected to be the
competent ones, whereas dads are
commonly depicted in sitcoms as
bumbling novices putting on nappies
backwards.
It is vitally important to listen to
these tips from dads and all look for
ways that we can help support holistic
father-involvement. Fostering fathers
as equal parents supports children
and families in a way that few other
things can.
What can dads do to ease their transition to parenthood?
• Help your partner to pick your pregnancy and
childcare health practitioners.
• Attend pre-natal and paediatric appointments with
your partner.
• Sign up for birthing and parenting courses.
• Study: read parenting books, online resources and
magazines.
• Talk with your partner about splitting the work of
parenting. This will be an ongoing conversation as
your family grows and changes.
• Touch your baby early and often with skin-to-skin
time, cuddles, baby massage, baths, and yes…
nappy changes, too! Touch helps to activate your
brain with the attachment hormones that assist
early and ongoing secure attachment for both you
and your infant. As your children grow, caring touch
helps kids to regulate their emotions.
• Celebrate with your community. Family, friends and
workmates can all provide enormous support during
the transition to parenthood. Cultivate their help and
listen to their lessons learned. Your questions and
concerns will have been faced many times before.
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